One year ago today

It's been really hard for me to blog about my mom. I remember a year ago, after she died, I wanted nothing more than to tell everyone in the world the story of her passing, but found that I just couldn't because the experience was such a special and sacred one to me. I didn't want people to think that her passing was an experience that brought our family down, because in truth, it didn't. Her passing was almost a celebration in that she would get to see her mom, brother, favorite cousin, and so many others again.

It's odd thinking about the things I was doing exactly one year ago today. My sister Michelle and I were home for her last couple weeks taking care of her with my dad. I was in charge of medications and could tell you exactly what medications she was taking and what time she had to take them at the drop of a hat. We would help her get to the bathroom to shower, brush and blowdry her hair, and one time even took pictures because it was such a beautiful day outside. While we all miss her so terribly, I think every single person in our family would agree that we all were at the last stage of grieving when she passed, which is acceptance.

I remember friends of my mom would give her CD's to listen to in her spare time, and while she was grateful for them she often said, "The only sound I want to hear is the sound of my children and grandchildren in my house." Thats exactly the sound she heard as she passed, the sound of her children and grandchildren as we laughed, told stories, sang songs, and eventually said our final goodbyes. The first song on my playlist "Oh Very Young" by Cat Stevens was one of her favorites and was used on her slideshow that was played at her funeral and viewing. It still is such a special song to me.

What I want people to understand is that our family only grew stronger from he passing, which was her last and final gift to us. She was constantly giving, never taking, and would have done anything for her children that she loved so much. My only regret is that she was never able to meet Jackson on this earth, and Brian and I have both agreed to try our hardest to keep her in Jackson's life as he grows older through pictures and loving stories.

My mother knew me better than anyone else on this earth excluding Brian. She was my best friend and biggest fan. I'm grateful for the gospel and the hope it brings knowing that I am going to see her again someday, and that she is still watching over me. Sometimes I laugh thinking of what she would have done if she were alive during my delivery, how she would have been a crazy "mother bear" running around the hospital trying to protect me in any way she could. We all know she was up in Heaven pulling some strings for me to help me get through it though.

I love my mother so much and I can't wait to see her again.

My mom with her "nurses". I still can't believe how much Michelle and I learned and how we basically were nurses for a couple weeks and were just trusted to do all those things! We definitely didn't change out of those sweats one time either, those sweats were our scrubs : )

Even just a week before she died she was still the most beautiful person I have ever seen.

We would all take turns laying in my mom's hospital bed with her. I remember so vividly holding her hand countless times, and even just thinking about her perfect hands makes me want to cry.

This is our entire family and was taken a few weeks before she died. Its sad to know how many people have been added to our family since this picture was taken. Jackson, Dallin, Brittany, Darci, and Michelle's 4th boy should be in this picture now.

Brian and I sang "Nearer My God To Thee", one of the songs we sang the night she passed away. Scotty was amazing and played guitar for us. Brian knew the chords to the song and Scotty turned those chords into the most beautiful version by picking the chords. We all got through the song without crying, because I remember feeling so happy that she was finally pain free and with her Heavenly Father again. Her funeral was not a very sad affair, and I think thats how she would have wanted it to be.

This is almost the entire Danielson family that came to her funeral. It was amazing how many people were there to support her, this picture being just the family there, all her loving friends excluded.

Notice how the pallbearers are all wearing baby blue ties. They did this because my mother had the most amazing baby blue eyes.

I love my family and how close we are!

Its been so hard to blog about my mom because there's just no way to put into words the effect she had on people and sweet personality she had. She's missed by so many and I don't think that even she knew how many people's lives had changed because of her. She was the perfect example of what a mother should be, and I strive everyday to be more like her. I love her and miss her more than I can bear sometimes. She was beautiful, sweet, kind, understanding, a great listener, and most of all her biggest goal in life was to be a wonderful wife and mother and she couldn't have done that better.

Nellie Diane Danielson

April 6th, 1957-January 12th, 2010