One year ago today

It's been really hard for me to blog about my mom. I remember a year ago, after she died, I wanted nothing more than to tell everyone in the world the story of her passing, but found that I just couldn't because the experience was such a special and sacred one to me. I didn't want people to think that her passing was an experience that brought our family down, because in truth, it didn't. Her passing was almost a celebration in that she would get to see her mom, brother, favorite cousin, and so many others again.

It's odd thinking about the things I was doing exactly one year ago today. My sister Michelle and I were home for her last couple weeks taking care of her with my dad. I was in charge of medications and could tell you exactly what medications she was taking and what time she had to take them at the drop of a hat. We would help her get to the bathroom to shower, brush and blowdry her hair, and one time even took pictures because it was such a beautiful day outside. While we all miss her so terribly, I think every single person in our family would agree that we all were at the last stage of grieving when she passed, which is acceptance.

I remember friends of my mom would give her CD's to listen to in her spare time, and while she was grateful for them she often said, "The only sound I want to hear is the sound of my children and grandchildren in my house." Thats exactly the sound she heard as she passed, the sound of her children and grandchildren as we laughed, told stories, sang songs, and eventually said our final goodbyes. The first song on my playlist "Oh Very Young" by Cat Stevens was one of her favorites and was used on her slideshow that was played at her funeral and viewing. It still is such a special song to me.

What I want people to understand is that our family only grew stronger from he passing, which was her last and final gift to us. She was constantly giving, never taking, and would have done anything for her children that she loved so much. My only regret is that she was never able to meet Jackson on this earth, and Brian and I have both agreed to try our hardest to keep her in Jackson's life as he grows older through pictures and loving stories.

My mother knew me better than anyone else on this earth excluding Brian. She was my best friend and biggest fan. I'm grateful for the gospel and the hope it brings knowing that I am going to see her again someday, and that she is still watching over me. Sometimes I laugh thinking of what she would have done if she were alive during my delivery, how she would have been a crazy "mother bear" running around the hospital trying to protect me in any way she could. We all know she was up in Heaven pulling some strings for me to help me get through it though.

I love my mother so much and I can't wait to see her again.

My mom with her "nurses". I still can't believe how much Michelle and I learned and how we basically were nurses for a couple weeks and were just trusted to do all those things! We definitely didn't change out of those sweats one time either, those sweats were our scrubs : )

Even just a week before she died she was still the most beautiful person I have ever seen.

We would all take turns laying in my mom's hospital bed with her. I remember so vividly holding her hand countless times, and even just thinking about her perfect hands makes me want to cry.

This is our entire family and was taken a few weeks before she died. Its sad to know how many people have been added to our family since this picture was taken. Jackson, Dallin, Brittany, Darci, and Michelle's 4th boy should be in this picture now.

Brian and I sang "Nearer My God To Thee", one of the songs we sang the night she passed away. Scotty was amazing and played guitar for us. Brian knew the chords to the song and Scotty turned those chords into the most beautiful version by picking the chords. We all got through the song without crying, because I remember feeling so happy that she was finally pain free and with her Heavenly Father again. Her funeral was not a very sad affair, and I think thats how she would have wanted it to be.

This is almost the entire Danielson family that came to her funeral. It was amazing how many people were there to support her, this picture being just the family there, all her loving friends excluded.

Notice how the pallbearers are all wearing baby blue ties. They did this because my mother had the most amazing baby blue eyes.

I love my family and how close we are!

Its been so hard to blog about my mom because there's just no way to put into words the effect she had on people and sweet personality she had. She's missed by so many and I don't think that even she knew how many people's lives had changed because of her. She was the perfect example of what a mother should be, and I strive everyday to be more like her. I love her and miss her more than I can bear sometimes. She was beautiful, sweet, kind, understanding, a great listener, and most of all her biggest goal in life was to be a wonderful wife and mother and she couldn't have done that better.

Nellie Diane Danielson

April 6th, 1957-January 12th, 2010

Christmas 2010

This year's Christmas was a little smaller than your usual Greenman Christmas, usually consisting of my parents, grandpa, the Greenman children, their spouses, and screaming grandchildren. While this year we only had one Greenman grandchild, a couple siblings, and were missing my sweet mother, we still had a great Christmas with lots and lots of love and a ton of presents. My sister Michelle and her family were having a white Christmas in ID (something new for them, being from AZ and growing up in CA), my sister Kimberly's family was having fun in WA, and the Welty's were soaking up the sun in Hawaii. We being the poor young family didn't get to go to Hawaii, but were living vicariously through many picture text messages being sent.

So Brian, Jackson and I, Scott and Brittany, Chris, Nicole, my dad, and grandpa spent our Christmas in Atascadero. One of our traditions is to have someone tell the story of the Cornhusk Doll on Christmas Eve. My grandma used to do it, then when she passed away my mom took over, and last Christmas my mom was too sick to do it so Kimberly told. This year with none of those people here I told the story and was honored to take over for my wonderful grandma and mom. My grandpa also told the story of Christ's birth, reading several scriptures from the New Testament. I remember when I was little I used to dress up as the angel while he told this story, my brothers would dress up as shepards, and whatever sister of mine had a young baby at the time would dress up as Mary and Joseph and baby Jesus. This year we didn't dress up but I hope to continue this tradition with my children because it is so fun and is a little reminder of what we're really celebrating.

Nicole is such an amazing aunt!

 Playing Jackson's favorite game peek-a-boo Christmas morning

 Scott and Brittany

 As unflattering as this picture is of me, I had to post our matching helmets! Brian and I love snowboarding together, but you really can't be too careful because accidents happen even to the most skilled snowboarders so we went in on matching helmets! We've seriously considered taking my Aunt Kathy's advice and wear them around the house all the time!

 Chris was sweet enough to help Jackson open up his presents

 The Welty's

 This was Jackson's big Christmas present, a new jumper! He loves to jump around and if you hold him up to stand he will inevitably start jumping up and down. While we love helping him jump, it can get pretty tiring on the arms so we figured a jumper would be the perfect Christmas gift! Grandma and Grandpa Welty and Grandpa Jim all went in on it and so far he absolutely loves it!

 Last year was my favorite Christmas of all time. Even though Brian and I put a spending limit on what we bought for each other and my mom was sick in a hospital bed, for the first time it wasn't about the presents. It was about being with family and spending those last days with my mother. Brian and I agreed that even though it wasn't the biggest Christmas the feeling in the room was so spiritual and we felt true happiness simply being with our family and taking turns laying in bed with my mom. I was about 17 weeks pregnant in these pictures and one of my favorite things was to have my mom put her hand on my stomach, even though we couldn't even feel Jackson kicking yet. This Christmas wasn't quite the same without my mom telling the story of the Cornhusk Doll, singing "Jolly Old Saint Nicholas", or handing out Christmas presents to everyone that morning. I'm just so thankful for how close my family is and I feel that my mom's passing has just strengthened those bonds even further. We hate that she missed so many important things in 2010 like the birth of Jackson, Kim's son Dallin, Michelle getting pregnant, Scotty getting engaged and married, and Chris getting engaged. We all know she's with us in spirit though and we know she was with us this Christmas, singing Jolly Old Saint Nicholas from Heaven.

What's New With Jackson

Just thought I'd take this time (while Jackson is sleeping) to write down a few things about Jackson. I'm always hearing how important it is to write down everything about Jackson at this age because I'm going to forget so fast! So my response is always that I might not write it down, but I blog! Already I've experienced forgetting all the little details, and I am so grateful that I have them on my blog. For example I was reading through my blog book (just ordered my first one, yay!) and remembered that when Jackson was a newborn he had the cutest raspy cry! But I digress.

Jackson loves it when he watch us talking in our normal voices and laughing together. Often when Brian and I are cracking up about something we'll look down and see Jackson staring at us and smiling and laughing. He's so used to our baby voices that I think he likes it when we're just ourselves also. There are a few ways to tell that Jackson is happy. First, when he's laughing/smiling. Second, when he's growling. He'll often be growling so loud and so constantly that its hard to hear anything but him! Third, you know he's at his happiest when he's whisper growling. It is SO funny when he's just growling under his breath with a smile on his face, its like he's too happy to even do a real growl! When Jackson wakes up he will always reach up and grab my face and growl under his breath, its my favorite!

My favorite time with Jackson is when we're getting him ready for bed. We turn on the nightlight and turn off all the other lights and lay him on the changing table. I don't know what it is about that changing table that he loves but he just goes crazy when he's on it! So that added with it being a little darker than usual he just has a ball before bedtime! Last night I could hardly get his pajamas on because he was kicking his legs and arms so hard and growling like crazy! He also started doing fishy faces where he kind of smacks his lips over and over like a fish under water. When we're putting on his pajamas its hard to get his arms through because whatever arm you're working on he instinctively clenches his fist on that sleeve and puts it in his mouth, so you literally have to switch back and forth between arms just to get his hands through! He has the strongest grip too! Sometimes he will actually hurt Brian and I from grabbing the back of our arms or hair and we can barely get it out of his grip! But he's just too cute you can't stay mad for long.

Jackson loves playing games now. One new fun game that we've been playing is peek-a-boo. You put a blanket over his face and take it off real quick and say "boo!" But the blanket has to be over his face, not yours! He may not be ticklish but he loves it when you growl on his stomach. Then to make him laugh even harder is when you start to put your head down and stop, then go a little further and stop, then finally eat his cute little tummy!

Jackson is rolling over a ton and these days when you put him down he can be across the room in a matter of minutes! I think he's going to start walking pretty fast because his daddy was walking at 8 months and Jackson seems to be following in his footsteps. He can stand up pretty much on his own, he just need someone to balance him. Its the same thing with sitting up he can do it, he just likes to throw his head back so we need to be there to catch him.

I love how excited Jackson gets when daddy gets home. You can tell there is such a special bond between them and that Jackson loves his dad so much. His eyes light up the first time he sees him and its like he can't keep his eyes off him after that! Even though I'm at home with Jackson all day and Brian's busy at work and school you can tell Jackson loves his dad so much and Brian doesn't skip a beat once he comes home he just plays with him and lays on the ground with him and holds him the rest of the night. Mommy's old news once daddy gets home and you can tell Jackson is so excited to be with  dad again!

Jackson's hair is getting longer and I decided to play around with it a little yesterday! Of course it fell back down and laid completely straight about 10 minutes after this picture but it was still fun!

 Jackson and Boston McCauley are about 10 days apart so its fun to see similarities and differences in their developments! They've been friends since birth and Boston's mom, Cindy, and I joke around how these pictures are going to be in their yearbook 18 years from now with a caption that says "Boston and Jackson, friends from birth!"

Thanksgiving 2010

This year for Thanksgiving Brian and I went to my sister Michelle's house in Gilbert, AZ. It was so much fun to be with family and for Brian and I to take a much needed little vacation. Brian and I have been so blessed to be related to 2 amazing photographers so we are pretty much set on family pictures for life! Brian's sister Lynn took Jackson's blessing pictures, our engagement pictures AND wedding pictures (talk about going above and beyond!) and my sister Michelle took Jackson's 1 week old pictures and so many others at countless family events. So while we were visiting, naturally Michelle took some new pictures for us, this is Jackson at 5 months.

Jackson and his cousin Dallin are less than 2 months apart so its so fun getting them together and seeing the slight differences in development between these two. We had no idea they had matching pj's till we got there and just HAD to take some pictures, and while taking pictures they just started holding hands, no parent interference at all!

 The holidays are bittersweet for our family because on the one hand, we get to see everyone, but on the other hand we are reminded of the fact that my mom is not here to enjoy it with us. It makes me sad to know that she didn't get to meet Jackson (at least here on earth) and I know that she would've given anything to do so. My dad is a wonderful grandpa and he's so close to his grandchildren, we wish my mom was sitting right next to him in this picture with a beautiful smile on her face.

 The story of where these pictures were taken is a funny one! The day before we were supposed to leave we knew that we wanted to go to a nice mall in Chandler, but we also knew we wanted to take family pictures. The problem was we didn't get to the mall until about 2:30 and Michelle kept saying the perfect time for taking pictures was 3:45-4:30, after 4:30 it gets too dark. Of course while we were at the mall we completely lost track of time, and before we knew it it was already 4 o'clock! So we're waiting out in the car for Scott and Brittany, knowing that the sun was going down as we spoke and the place that Michelle wanted to take pictures was 20 minutes away. So as we looked around we realized there were some perfect spots there at the mall to take pictures! My amazing sister Michelle was careful not to include the parking lot, cars, passing pedestrians or anything else you'll find at malls and voila! Perfect family pictures with different scenery and the lighting was great!

 I absolutely love this goofy picture!! It looks like Jackson is doing an Elvis impersonation, its so cute!

Happy Holidays Everyone!